When Great Expectations Go Horribly, Terribly Awry

From a story that broke late last year, an 18 year old Texas man was arrested for stealing candy from a Wal-Mart. While there is nothing particularly noteworthy about the crime, the true extent of the heinous nature of the incident only revealed itself when the young man's name was released.

Wait for it...

Neiman Marcus Jones was arrested for stealing "fist fulls of candy" from his local Wal-Mart. While there are any number of comments that can be made about this story, I am just struggling to wrap my mind around the fact that anyone past the age of 9 would think that Red Hots and Now and Laters would be worth jail time.

Do you think that when Mama Jones looked at her beautiful newborn that she could have possibly imagined a future in which her little boy would be arrested for stealing penny candy from a discount retailer?

I think not.

Now, I like my daily dose of corn syrup as much as the next person and look back with great fondness on the sugar-soaked years of my childhood. In fact, I spent an inordinate amount of my "Wonder Years" coveting candy, hoarding it or planning when I could get my next hit. My mom was a healthy nutrition fiend, so, more often than not, I was left futilely jonesing for my next sugar fix while the neighborhood kids proudly displayed their purple tongues from that weird sugar candy with the white Popsicle stick. However, not once did it occur to me that a grab-and-dash at the corner store might be a solution to my problem.

Just imagine what the jailhouse conversation must have sounded like:

"What you in here for?"

"Assault with a deadly weapon and resisting arrest. What about you?"

"I caught a case for Ju Ju Beans and Laffy Taffy. It was worth it though, 'cause I love me some Ju Ju Beans."

I'm thinking Neiman Marcus is going to have to come up with a better cover story. For more on this truly sad crime, check out the link.

http://www.myfoxdfw.com/dpp/news/Police_Teen_Candy_Crook_Tangles_with_WalMart_Employees

Ghetto Name Builder

Building blocks of life
Originally uploaded by Digger Digger Dogstar

Ghetto Name Builder™:

Do you suffer the indignity of a plain old boring, vanilla name? Has no one in your entire life even once asked you how to spell or pronounce your name? Are you sick and tired of being able to walk up to any display of key chains secure in the knowledge that you could pick out your name right away? Perhaps you’ve been nursing a secret envy of the Trevontaes, DeShawns, and Ayre’ Jordans all around you. Now you, too, can build a Hood Masterpiece all your own with the helpful Ghetto Name Builder™ (patent pending!). You can create the Ghetto Name that you’ve always wanted. In less time than it takes to make a pitcher of grape KoolAid, you can Pimp Your Name.

Simply take the name that you wish to transform and add at least one of the afore-mentioned prefixes or suffixes (see The Rules post). Crafting a Hood Name is a highly subjective process, so feel free to add as many prefixes or suffixes as you like until you reach the desired sound. Keep in mind that creating a Ghetto Name is as much an art as a science, and it may be necessary to drop the first or last sound in the standard name to better match the selected prefix or suffix.

After the foregoing steps, if you are still dissatisfied with your Ghetto Name, consider utilizing "La", also known as the “Mother of All Prefixes”. "La "will instantly transform your standard name into Hood appropriate nomenclature. As a final measure, you could throw in one or more apostrophes for no particular reason.

Examples:

Tiffany becomes La’Tiffany*.
Mark is transformed into Markez, DeMarkez, or Tre’Markus*.
Sharon equates to Shavonte, Sharontice, or Sharontez.

*Double points awarded for unnecessary apostrophe usage.

To further illustrate the transformation process, what follows is a conversion chart with a partial listing of Ghetto Names and equivalent Standard Names.

Ghetto Name/Standard Name

Starkeisha /Buffy
Aquanetta /Candy
Cialis /Kayla
Anthronice / Antonia
Anfernee / Anthony
Shavonte / Sharon
Cristal / Crystal
La'Darryl / Darryl

Names From the Hood

From the text of an email that I recently received from no fewer than three different sources:

'Le - a'


How would you pronounce this as a child's name???


Leah?? NO


Lee - A?? NOPE


Lay - a?? NO


Lei?? Guess Again.


It's pronounced 'Ledasha' oh yes...you read it right. The dash is not silent.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

While amusing, I suspect (and fervently hope) that the above story is apocryphal. The veracity of the story, however, is beside the point. What ultimately matters is that the name and the colorful story behind it could very well be true.

The friends and relatives who forwarded the email to me were hardly going out on a limb. As educators, parents of young children, and professionals whose work brings them into contact with members of the public, they have frequent, first-hand experience with many names that would put dear little “Ledasha” to shame.

Here’s a quick little sampling of names that sound like they could not possibly be real, but are:

Amazing Amari Yeah
Aryan
Ayre’ Jordan
Definest
Diablo
Erotica
Imunique
Johnnifer
Jream
Ke’Nautica
Khevyon
King Carleoin
La’Darryl
Las’ Chance’
My’ Lexus
Nemesis
Nimrod
Pawllos
PreciousDarn
Qualynndriqeka


Just let that list sink in for a moment.


If you are reading this post, you are well aware that my friends and I are hardly alone in our fascination with the creative names that some black parents give their children (while this blog is primarily focused on creative or unusual black names, crazy names from all sources are welcomed with equal snarkiness). While research suggests that the increase in distinctively black names is a fairly recent phenomenon, the sheer volume of comedic commentary, radio, newspaper and television stories, as well as online discussion dedicated to this topic illustrate the intense interest, passion and laughter that many of these names provoke.

The Ghetto Book of Baby Names (GBBN) is the ultimate reference book for Ghetto Names and the people who love/hate them. A uniquely conceived guide, this baby book in its final form will include more than 30,000 actual baby names representing every region of the country. In addition to the typical alphabetical listing found in traditional baby name books, GBBN sets out various categories, such as "Names Only an Orange Jumpsuit Could Love" and "Apostrophes Gone Wild." Editorial content is provided at the introduction of each category along with features like the Ghetto Name Builder™, Frequently Asked Questions, Ghetto Name AllStars, and a test to determine whether the reader is the bearer of a bona fide "Nom de Ghetto."