When Great Expectations Go Horribly, Terribly Awry

From a story that broke late last year, an 18 year old Texas man was arrested for stealing candy from a Wal-Mart. While there is nothing particularly noteworthy about the crime, the true extent of the heinous nature of the incident only revealed itself when the young man's name was released.

Wait for it...

Neiman Marcus Jones was arrested for stealing "fist fulls of candy" from his local Wal-Mart. While there are any number of comments that can be made about this story, I am just struggling to wrap my mind around the fact that anyone past the age of 9 would think that Red Hots and Now and Laters would be worth jail time.

Do you think that when Mama Jones looked at her beautiful newborn that she could have possibly imagined a future in which her little boy would be arrested for stealing penny candy from a discount retailer?

I think not.

Now, I like my daily dose of corn syrup as much as the next person and look back with great fondness on the sugar-soaked years of my childhood. In fact, I spent an inordinate amount of my "Wonder Years" coveting candy, hoarding it or planning when I could get my next hit. My mom was a healthy nutrition fiend, so, more often than not, I was left futilely jonesing for my next sugar fix while the neighborhood kids proudly displayed their purple tongues from that weird sugar candy with the white Popsicle stick. However, not once did it occur to me that a grab-and-dash at the corner store might be a solution to my problem.

Just imagine what the jailhouse conversation must have sounded like:

"What you in here for?"

"Assault with a deadly weapon and resisting arrest. What about you?"

"I caught a case for Ju Ju Beans and Laffy Taffy. It was worth it though, 'cause I love me some Ju Ju Beans."

I'm thinking Neiman Marcus is going to have to come up with a better cover story. For more on this truly sad crime, check out the link.

http://www.myfoxdfw.com/dpp/news/Police_Teen_Candy_Crook_Tangles_with_WalMart_Employees

Great Expectations!!!

Champagne Mumm
Originally uploaded by e_calamar

Great Expectations

This category speaks to the perfectly understandable impulse on the part of proud parents to bestow the fruit of their loins with a majestic name, one which confers the best hopes and highest aspirations. So imbued are these parents with a sense of optimism regarding their offspring’s future that they cannot wait to share these glad tidings with the rest of the world.

These parents are the cockeyed optimists of the Hood Set. Brimming over with sugarplum dreams, they often go to extreme and, dare I say, ridiculous lengths. Included in this category are honorific-style names that utilize social titles as part of the name.

Examples:
Girls
Alicia Karizma
AlphaRuth
Amazing Amari Yeah -Proof positive why cheerleaders should not be allowed to breed.
Amazzing
Amiracle
Baroness
Charizma
Contessa
Dynasty
Empriss
Heiress
HRHQueeniysi - The HRH is silent.
Infinity
La-Diamond
Lady De’jahne’
Lady’ Jordan
LaPrecious -Because plain old Precious just wouldn't do.
JaMiracle
Marvelous
MieQueen- Not to be confused with UrQueen.
Ms. Tre’Veona
Pharisees
Pricessalex
Princess Tonii
Queensareena
Royalty
Starnesha
Yahiness -Contender for worst name in the world. See suggested male companion name Sirhighnessma.

Great Expectations
Boys
Amazzen
Aristotle
Artemis
Astronomical
Barron
Caesar
Chancellor
Commander
Excell
DeFinest- Followed two years later by younger brother, DeWorst.
JahMarley
Jermajesty
Kingblack
KingCarleoin- My King is Gangster!
King Cyril
KingNaszayah
King’Omijay
King Taisintr
Knowledge
LaBarron- More vehicle love.
Lucky
Master
Maverick
Mister- Every hostesses worst nightmare: Mister Master and Mister Mr.Sha-Quan, may I present you to Mister Mister and Mister Sir?
Morningstar
Mr. Sha-Quan
Nepoleon
Omega
Orion
Osama
Panashe
Prince Armani -Royalty with a certain flair!
Prince Elijah, Timothy, Alexan, Cedell, John- princes all
Romeo
Sir
Sir Alexander
Sir Kahlel, Paris, Vonta, Charlie, and countless other sirs
Sirhighnessma- See female companion name, Yahiness.
Supreme
Sureal
Victorious
Victory


Suggested Names: Big Brother Allmighty!, The Godfather, Prime Directive, Infinity Times Two, King of All Pimps

Names Only an Orange Jumpsuit Could Love

This entire category of names could also be known as the Negligible Future Prospects Category. These are the names that upon first hearing, one wonders what, if anything, these parents envisioned for their child’s future. Supposing for the moment that these parents were not under the influence of some hallucinatory substance, one hardly knows what to make of their motives. These parents take the opposite tack of the Great Expectations category (coming soon!) and seem to be saying instead, “I wish the worst possible outcome for my child. None of that success or happiness stuff; that’s way too positive. I want my child to face failure at every turn, starting with grade school.

These parents seem to be hoping their kid carries on the family legacy of pulling off an inarticulate cameo on "Cops" or, at the very least, "Cheaters". One can almost imagine the parents and gathered throng of well-wishers clustered around the plasma screen on a Friday night. “See im? Right there- with the platinum grill, getting pushed face-down in the mud? That’s my boy!” says the proud papa to high-fives and pats on the back all around.

Examples:

Girls
Alize -Curiously enough, many of the names in this category easily double as stripper names.
Arsonlove- My love's on fire!
Cashmere
Champagne
Chardonay
Croquette- What a flirtatious little salmon cake you are.
Envy, Envee
Erotica
Nemesis

Boys
Al Capone- Hannibal Lecter, Idi Amin, and Jeffrey Dahmer were already taken.
Alcapone
Bossdeniro
Brezze
Cadillac Sedan Deville- The only things this name lacks are the year of purchase and the vin number.

Cain- Neither "Father of All Murderers" nor Fratricide had the right ring.
Courvosiea
Dae’jour
DeeJay
Deniro
Diablo -Neither Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, or R.Kelley made the final cut.
Ginuwine
Karlieonn
Karlito
Las’Chance’- Help! Someone stole my “T” and left me with these stupid apostrophes.
Menace
Natorious- I dare you to say it's misspelled to my face!
Nimrod-Imbecile, Lobotimizer, and Foole’ considered, but discarded as not sufficiently humiliating.
Remie
Risque



Suggested Names:
Vixen, Delinqua, Thugalicious, Dime Bag, Darling Nikki, Forty Ounce, Straightjacket, Pimptress, Beelzebub


For a simple test to determine whether your child is destined for an A&E "Behind Bars" Special, simply complete the following sentences out loud with your prospective baby name.

1. Proud Parent: “I’d like to introduce you to ________, my son/daughter. S/he just made the honor roll for the fifth time! We couldn’t be prouder.”

2. Bailiff: “All rise for the Honorable _________ Marshall, Supreme Court Justice.”


Notice how Erotica, ArsonLove, Natorious, et. al don’t really do the foregoing sentences justice. Alternatively, notice how well those same names would fit into an episode of HBO's "The Wire". If you are having trouble making a sensible sentence with your contemplated baby name, may we suggest starting from scratch?

Just the FAQs

Frequently Asked Questions:

1. Once I’ve settled on my Ghetto Name, how do I get people to begin using my preferred form of address?

Solution:
Every time someone inadvertently calls you by your given name, regardless of your ethnicity state, “I no longer answer to my slave name.”

No further response should be necessary. Simply give the offending person(s) your craziest eyes and refuse to back down.

2. I’ve gotten so many questions about how to pronounce and/or spell my new Ghetto Name. Frankly, it’s getting to the point that I am considering giving up.

Solution:
Take heart. This is a common problem, which can be easily addressed. Since many of the people around you may be unfamiliar with the correct way to spell or pronounce your new name, we encourage you to keep handy a supply of Ghetto Pronounciation Guides (GPG) cards. In addition to supplying you with instant street cred, your GPG card provides the correct spelling and phonetic pronunciation of your name. Keep these cards on you at all times; you’ll find them to be a lifesaver.

3. I love my new Ghetto Name, but have some concerns about using it in a professional setting. What do you recommend?

Solution:
As well you should. We encourage everyone to leave his or her standard middle name intact, so that your older relatives will have something to call you (besides Crazy) that they can easily pronounce. Although the experts are still out on this one, you should probably continue to utilize your standard-sounding middle name on all official correspondence, like resumes, especially if you enjoy getting interview call backs.

4. I love my new Ghetto Name and am thinking about selecting an appropriate last name to match. Do you have any suggestions?

Solution:
Certainly. There are only four appropriate Hood Last Names:
Jackson, Jefferson, Johnson or X.
Take your pick.