This entire category of names could also be known as the Negligible Future Prospects Category. These are the names that upon first hearing, one wonders what, if anything, these parents envisioned for their child’s future. Supposing for the moment that these parents were not under the influence of some hallucinatory substance, one hardly knows what to make of their motives. These parents take the opposite tack of the Great Expectations category (coming soon!) and seem to be saying instead, “I wish the worst possible outcome for my child. None of that success or happiness stuff; that’s way too positive. I want my child to face failure at every turn, starting with grade school.
These parents seem to be hoping their kid carries on the family legacy of pulling off an inarticulate cameo on "Cops" or, at the very least, "Cheaters". One can almost imagine the parents and gathered throng of well-wishers clustered around the plasma screen on a Friday night. “See im? Right there- with the platinum grill, getting pushed face-down in the mud? That’s my boy!” says the proud papa to high-fives and pats on the back all around.
Examples:
Girls
Alize -Curiously enough, many of the names in this category easily double as stripper names.
Arsonlove- My love's on fire!
Cashmere
Champagne
Chardonay
Croquette- What a flirtatious little salmon cake you are.
Envy, Envee
Erotica
Nemesis
Boys
Al Capone- Hannibal Lecter, Idi Amin, and Jeffrey Dahmer were already taken.
Alcapone
Bossdeniro
Brezze
Cadillac Sedan Deville- The only things this name lacks are the year of purchase and the vin number.
Cain- Neither "Father of All Murderers" nor Fratricide had the right ring.
Courvosiea
Dae’jour
DeeJay
Deniro
Diablo -Neither Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, or R.Kelley made the final cut.
Ginuwine
Karlieonn
Karlito
Las’Chance’- Help! Someone stole my “T” and left me with these stupid apostrophes.
Menace
Natorious- I dare you to say it's misspelled to my face!
Nimrod-Imbecile, Lobotimizer, and Foole’ considered, but discarded as not sufficiently humiliating.
Remie
Risque
Suggested Names:
Vixen, Delinqua, Thugalicious, Dime Bag, Darling Nikki, Forty Ounce, Straightjacket, Pimptress, Beelzebub
For a simple test to determine whether your child is destined for an A&E "Behind Bars" Special, simply complete the following sentences out loud with your prospective baby name.
1. Proud Parent: “I’d like to introduce you to ________, my son/daughter. S/he just made the honor roll for the fifth time! We couldn’t be prouder.”
2. Bailiff: “All rise for the Honorable _________ Marshall, Supreme Court Justice.”
Notice how Erotica, ArsonLove, Natorious, et. al don’t really do the foregoing sentences justice. Alternatively, notice how well those same names would fit into an episode of HBO's "The Wire". If you are having trouble making a sensible sentence with your contemplated baby name, may we suggest starting from scratch?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment
Dr.Shoki welcomes all comments, but reserves the right to censor those she deems abusive, racist (or containing other slurs), and those that contain excessive amounts of foul language.